Sentiments from staying too long
I love you.
I love you and I am falling apart.
The leaves are turning vivid red
and I am rotting bitter brown.
My roots show, and my bark is cracked.
And you could just chop me down.
You should, please, just chop me down.
But you don’t want wood to fuel your fire.
You don’t want to build a house with my lumber
or turn me into paper
to write the words which would sever our contract.
No. You, you parasite, you termite, you rot;
to build may bead sweat on your brow,
so you make your shelter under my bough.
And thanklessly admire my leaves.
Sometimes gathering them to hang,
or toss to the wind,
or crumble beneath your feet.
Sometimes you are greedy,
harvest my leaves before they fall,
and winter arrives early.
You wait impatient,
screaming at my skeleton
to bear more than its fractal structure.
Kicking my despondent frame.
The beauty you appreciate maddens you when it’s gone.
But I cannot grow,
not as your eyes bore into me,
scaring off any friendly birds
or insects who could remind me how to live.
If I could, I’d wish for you to leave-
to go, or be blown, away.
My fixedness prevents me from pushing,
but I hope you see my silent stoicism
as a shout for you to go on your way.
Please, proceed to the next green pasture
or up into the mountains to roar down the sun.
Stare into its beauty, like you once did mine,
and lose your ever-hungry sight.
Please, lose your voice so I can find my leaves.
Allow me to collect my bearings,
for I am ancient and burdened,
but still believe
I could be young.
Rachel Irene Kushner
Sentiments from staying too long, 2020
Poetry
Poetry empowers. It has liberated my use of language, making me able to finally process the most painful experiences of my life and speak to them in a way I never could through traditional speech. Writing poems is not simply a process of “letting go” or healing, but of genesis. I have reclaimed my experiences of trauma and abuse and used them to my own ends: creating art. This particular poem reflects on my freshman year in university, the hardest period of my life. I am not to blame for the abuse I’ve suffered; you are not to blame for the abuse you’ve suffered. We are so much more than what we have been made to feel. We are luminous and we will come to realize this in full.
